I will now compare the two leading characters from the Real Housewives of New Jersey and then announce a winner.
- Beauty
- Melissa is actually beautiful.
- Teresa strongly believes she is beautiful, despite having the heart, soul, and physical appearance of a gargoyle.
- Melissa wins
- Finance
- Melissa owns her own home, has not filed for bankruptcy, and lives both richly and within her means.
- Teresa has filed for bankruptcy, was forced to auction belongings from her house, spends lavishly on shit she cannot afford, and has reduced her husband from a successful real estate developer to a small pizza shop owner. Additionally, her shallow, gargoyle soul has influenced and thus condemned her children to grow up just like her.
- Melissa wins
- Being a petty leather faced whore
- Melissa is thoughtful, logical, and mature.
- Teresa is jealous of the fact that her own skin has the texture of a cowboy boot and that everyone loves Melissa. Teresa reacts violently and unnecessarily to any comment that might only tangentially be interpreted as an insult against her. Teresa never passes an opportunity to promote herself, especially when it is at the expense of others.
- Teresa wins
- Quality of husband
- Melissa's husband, Joe Gorga, is a successful real estate developer who owns his own house, is in good physical shape, and treats his wife and children like they are the only things that matter in the world
- Teresa's husband, Joe Giudice, has a stomach which is one-half the size of a frat house beer keg, resents his gator skinned wife for driving him into bankruptcy, and simply hates his children.
- TIE
- Charm
- Melissa is always smiling. She can seamlessly walk a runway with no coaching or direction. Her children are lovely. And despite being the newest and prettiest cast member, she was able to win over the rest of the New Jersey ladies in less than one season.
- Teresa falsely accused Melissa of being a stripper and abandoned her children during a violent brawl in which her husband was the primary combatant.
- Melissa wins
Conclusion:
While Melissa Gorga is a better overall person, Teresa Guidice exceeds at being leather faced and possessing the charm of a hemorrhoid.
