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"The Federal Bureau of Investigation and the Denver Police Department are investigating the case, with Assistant U.S. Attorney James Allison in charge of the prosecution, according to the Justice Department."
According to the above statement, one would think that the FBI and and the Denver PD are investigating something serious, possibly related to terrorism. Actually no. This is regarding a guy caught MASTURBATING on a Southwest Airlines flight. For fuck's sake, this is why we're broke.
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@ inappropriate creativity. I was at a gas station bathroom and saw someone had neatly written a food menu on the inside of a urinal.
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@ CNN.com and their video only news stories. Is it too hard to include a text version of the article underneath the video? Not everyone has the desire to watch a video clip, and for many mobile users it would take too long to buffer and load. Do you get more ad money from the video compared to the article? Either way, fuck you. I'm just going to copy and paste the headline into Google and find another source where I can READ the story.
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I just read about a lady who took her cat to the vet for a FLEA BATH, but due to a mixup with the paperwork, the vet instead EUTHANIZED the cat. I don't find anything funny about harm to animals, but I can't even begin to imagine the sheer terror the vet must have felt when the customer came back to pick up the cat and it started dawning on him what he just did.
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I was at the airport waiting to get on an escalator, and this older guy in front of me was cautiously hovering one foot over the steps. He would be on the verge of stepping on, and then would retreat, and then would hover his foot again, as if he was Tom Cruise from Mission Impossible trying to time his jump onto a moving bullet train.
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@ the NYC ban on sugary drinks over 16 ounces. Because that will obviously stop a dedicated fat ass from simply buying two 8 ounce drinks.
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This just in from the NYC Mayor's office: "New strong evidence that replacing sugary drinks with sugar-free substitutes or water can slow weight gain in children."
So having children drink water instead of CONCENTRATED LIQUID FUCKING SUGAR may lead to LESS weight gain??
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I was watching "Watch What Happens Live" on Bravo because the guest was Dan Rather. Veteran news anchor, Dan Rather, whose storied career included being the first journalist to report on JFK's assassination, interviewing Saddam Hussein, and historic coverage of the Nixon Watergate Scandal. And here he is sitting in a sofa chair next to John Mayer, being interviewed by host Andy Cohen, who is asking him questions about who he would like to get in a hot tub with. The whole time Dan Rather looked like he wanted to hit himself in the face with a pipe wrench.
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@ aggressive pedestrians. I was trying to parallel park my car into a spot the other day. It would have been a relatively simple process, except that this woman was standing near the rear of the spot. I slowly backed my car into the spot, fully expecting that the woman would see a 2 ton vehicle approaching her, and would thus step out of the way, perhaps onto the curb where her dumb ass should have been standing. She does not budge. I look back and I see that she can see my car, but for some reason has chosen this moment in time to stand her ground and not move. It's as if my car represented some challenge to her, like my car was the physical embodiment of every instance of when life took a greasy shit on her. The kind of shit someone missing a gallbladder would have. Since there is no other place to park, and I have an appointment to make, I decide to treat this woman like she's any other inanimate parking obstacle. I look back and painstakingly edge my car closer and closer to her, making certain that my rear bumper doesn't touch her leg. As I'm inching closer to her, she mentally snaps and starts pounding and kicking my car. I open my door to say something to her but she is already walking away. As I squint my eyes, I can see upon her head the faint silhouette of a greasy, unflushable brick of shit that life has yet again dropped upon her.
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I just spoke to someone who visited France and had toured the L'ouvre, but did not see the Mona Lisa. The worst part was that she didn't particularly give a shit.
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@ text message signatures. I understand having a signature for email, maybe a quote that one finds particularly moving or enlightening and they wish to share it with as many people as possible. But a text message signature? I was texting with this one person from work whose signature was "?!Can you handle it?!"
Jane Doe: Hey, there are a couple of reports that need interpreting. ?!Can you handle it?!
Angry Auntie: um, yeah, I'm pretty sure I can handle it. I do this daily.
Jane Doe: what? what are you talking about? ?!Can you handle it?!
Angry Auntie: I just said I could handle it.
Jane Doe: Ohh...lol. That's just my text signature. ?!Can you handle it?!
Angry Auntie: (thinking to myself) you're a fucking idiot.
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@ The "Genius" Bar at Apple stores. You people have the goddamn audacity to refer to your tech support people as "geniuses" in a completely serious and non-ironical way? That's ALMOST as bad as seeing the workers at Old Navy walking around their stores talking on headsets as if they're the fucking Secret Service.
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I was just at the Apple store in Lincoln Park, Chicago. I've never seen such a concentrated collection of hipster fucktards. Hey look, a guy in a cowboy shirt and black thick rimmed glasses. Oh look, there's another one. And another....
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I just saw an Indian kid running in the rain, with both hands flapping down by his sides, and wearing a backpack. Fucking priceless.
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@ people who walk slow as fuck. Please, don't move over to the side to allow people who are audibly annoyed with your waddling, fat fuck ass to pass you by. Just keep going straight down the middle of the hallway. Or, better yet, why don't you slowly meander to one direction or another when someone tries to squeeze by you. This is the only victory you'll ever achieve in your turducken eating ass so you better milk it for what it's worth. Once this hallway ends, it's back to a life of not being able to visualize your own penis due to your stomach girth.
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Yeah, go right ahead and lean your fat ass right in front of the buttons to the elevator. Nevermind the fact that it's lunch time in a busy building and there are dozens of people who aren't sure if the up or down button has been pressed; they can just strain their necks to look behind your rolls of flesh and sadness to see if the up or down button is lit up. Of course you could have chosen literally anywhere else to lean against but fuck that. You go right ahead and settle against the one specific area which causes the most annoyance to the maximum number of people.
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@ guys who wear messenger bags. I know girls have told you in the past that they look cool and modern, but guess what, they don't. They look like a purse. Other guys think of you as a pretentious douche for carrying one and I'm pretty sure most girls, even the ones who recommended it in the first place, think of you as one as well. And when you really dig down deep, I'm pretty sure you agree.
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@ "Minute to Win It." Well since even 5th grade trivia questions are still too mentally taxing for the majority of Americans, lets just get rid of knowledge based gameshows entirely. Instead, lets air shit like "Minute to Win It," a retarded ass show similar to "Double Dare" except that it's just all physical challenges and no questions. Hey America, is this dumb enough for you? Can you tolerate this? Since you're too stupid to bother with difficult questions like, "What's the capital of Rhode Island," let's just forego anything that requires you to use your brain and instead just air video of someone with a box strapped to their ass, with the goal being to shake their ass in such a manner as to empty the contents of the box before the alotted time runs out. Congratulations. This is what TV has come to. Oh and by the way, fuck that bloated, bleach blonde, male host. He looks like a pregnant sow with highlights.
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@ anyone named "Aubrey." I can already tell you're a bitch. Nope, I wasn't trying to make eye contact with you. Didn't even glance in your direction.
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I was watching this documentary on tv about people addicted to online gaming, and it went on to discuss people getting involved in online relationships. This one guy was talking about his own personal experience with online dating, and he mentioned that he had been involved in it since the mid 80's. The mid 80's...are you fucking serious? The internet wasn't even close to being commercially viable at that time. The only people "surfing" were hardcore tech geeks. So if you were dating online at that time, your "girlfriend" must have either been a man or one absolute beast of a bitch. The kind of woman that Sabretooth would be reluctant to touch.
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@"It is what it is." Really? What else could it be? Shut the fuck up, moron.
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@"I could tell you...but I would have to kill you." Shut the fuck up. This hackneyed joke is not funny and neither are you. The people who say overused trite expressions like these are the same folks who overuse ALL formerly clever expressions until they're ground into cliche-dom. These are the folks that say, "for shizzle my nizzle!" and then look at you with a grin and a dull dairy cow gaze expecting you to laugh, but instead just make you feel horribly uncomfortable. You can usually find these people at all-you-can-eat buffets making sure they come out mathematically on top.
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Diet Rite pure zero is probably the worst soda pop I've ever tasted. The only good thing about this shit pop is that it makes me appreciate Diet Coke so much more. And the confusing thing is that it costs the same as Diet Coke. So who the fuck is buying enough of this ass water to keep it in business?
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I just saw this AT&T Blackberry commercial which ended with the phrase, "convert the nonbelievers." Maybe not such a good choice of words in the post 9/11 era.
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@ self checkout lanes at the grocery store. These are put in place to save time, and in theory, they should. People who have attained more than a 2nd grade education should - in theory - be able to ring up their own groceries in a timely and expedient manner, while those who understand and accept that they have the intelligence of a gazelle continue to wait patiently in the lines for a human cashier. But it never happens that way. Every retard in the store just jams up the self-checkout lanes, fumbling with the buttons, trying to scan produce that doesn't even have a fucking barcode, until a human cashier has to come over and do it for them.
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I want to like Republicans, I really do, but I keep seeing evidence of how evil and manipulative they can be. I recently read about how the campaign staff of this republican businessman John Raese, who is running for the senate seat in West Virginia, just got caught sending a memo looking for "hicky" looking actors in Philadelphia to play the role of West Virginians in some campaign commercial where they are talking shit about the democratic incumbent. The memo literally specified "hicky" looking actors: “We are going for a ‘Hicky’ Blue Collar look. These characters are from West Virginia so think coal miner/trucker looks.” It's obvious this guy, and likely most other Republicans, have zero respect their blue collar constituency and just prey on their insecurities to secure votes. Why else would they continually give tax breaks to the super wealthy while simultaneously shitting on blue collar workers, laying them off as fast as humanly possible, foreclosing on their homes, denying them universal medical coverage so they can instead send their kids to war...? And in turn, these same blue collar workers consistently vote Republican. Why??? Are they that brainwashed by the xenophobia and gay bashing that masquerades under the guise of patriotism and "family values" that they're willing to compromise their own welfare? Fuck it, I guess so. Palin 2012 baby!!!
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Remember that kid who had a meltdown after his mom cancelled his World of Warcraft account and tried to shove a remote control up his ass, all of which his brother secretly videotaped and posted on youtube? I just read some story about how he was faking that performance. He and his family did some interview where they revealed it was all just a hoax. I say that's a bunch of HORSE SHIT. There is no way that kid was faking that. I've heard about how addicting WOW is and that is pretty much the exact response one would predict from one of these guys if their ability to fight dragons was suddenly stripped away. I mean, don't get me wrong, I completely understand why he would try to play this off as fake. He was probably getting ridiculed in school almost daily with people waving remote controls around his anus, but I don't buy the whole faking thing for one goddamn second.
But what's equally pathetic is that when I went to go check out this video again, I looked at the comments and all these people were saying shit along the lines of, "DUH, of course it was fake, I knew it all along!!! LOL!!11" Fuck you, retards. You did not think this was fake all along. You are the same halfwits that were commenting on how lame this kid was when the video first aired. And now your story suddenly changes after he tries to play it off as fake.
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@ girls with mustaches. I saw this girl today who looked extremely good. She was pretty, her hair and makeup were immaculate, and she was dressed nicely. Her only flaw was that she had this very noticeable mustache. What gives? You obviously spent a lot of time trying to look good, and it's common sense that you know the details of your face way more so than anyone else...so how the fuck could you step away from your mirror this morning thinking to yourself, "Yes, I look acceptable."
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I just saw this commercial for the "new" Yahoo. This commercial looked like the production value was in the millions of dollars. And of course it must have cost Yahoo several times that amount for the actual airspace. And for what? Their percentage of the browser market hasn't gained any, and that's all that really matters to advertisers. They essentially just took several tens of millions of dollars and fucking threw it in the trash. Way to go, Yahoo! No one still wants to visit your cluttered, garbage ass website.
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So today I'm driving and I see a green light in the distance that I want to make, and therefore I accelerate...nothing crazy, maybe 35 mph in a 30 mph zone. Suddenly as I get to the light these two idiots pop up right in front of me forcing me to slam my brakes, throwing all the shit in my car forward. I look at this couple that I almost legally mowed down with a "what the fuck?" look and I see that it is some lady walking with a blind person across the road. Way to throw caution in the wind, you dumb bitch. If you want to gamble with your own pointless life, that's fine, but to risk the life of a blind person who entrusted himself to you simply because you didn't want to wait the 45 seconds for a "walk" sign to appear in a busy intersection...well that's just not nice.
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I've officially become one of those shitfucks that will drive around for 15 minutes looking for a good parking spot rather than park far away and just endure the walk.
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@ Stupidly slow drivers. Today this guy in a van saw that I wanted to cross the street. So what did he do? He slowed down, but didn't stop completely. He just kept going at a dumbass slow pace, forcing me to wait until he had passed to cross. What was the point? Was he afraid the rush of air from his mini-van at 30 miles an hour would knock me to the ground?
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Denim shorts and below the knee tattoos - 2 indisputable signs of white trashiness.
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@ Morons who stand stupidly far behind the next person in line. I understand that no one likes to be crowded but don't be an idiot about it. I was at Subway today and this lady was standing literally 5 feet behind the person in front of her. I wasn't sure whether she was actually waiting in line or just taking up space and reminding herself how to breathe. Eventually she confirmed her "in line" status and moved forward when the guy in front of her did. I was glad I didn't cut in front of her or, god forbid, ask her if she was in line, because I could tell she was the type of skank that enjoyed confrontation.
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@ People who think that turn signals while driving is optional.
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Dog walkers, I sincerely appreciate it when you pick up after your dogs' mess...but do you think you could use something other than a CLEAR PLASTIC BAG?
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@ Early adopters who immediately "adopt" anything Apple puts out at the expense of logic and rational thought. I remember when the first iPhone came out in 2007. I read stories about these imbeciles from Europe who traveled to New York several days in advance to wait in line to be one of the first people to get their hands on it. Was it worth it? Thousands of dollars for airfare, hotel costs, food, etc., and for what...a goddamn phone that's going to be available FOR CHEAPER (with a local contract) in your own country a few months later? And where is that original iPhone now? It's in a kitchen drawer under a heap of ketchup packets, loose change, and other bullshit, reminding you of why you're going to die alone.
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@ The iPad. Congratulations fucktards, you just spent $700 on an internet media device that doesn't have a USB port.
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I was just watching Terrell Owens on his own reality show. On this episode he was participating in a fashion show, wearing a wig, and basically acting like a damn clown in order to cling a bit longer to rapidly vanishing fame and money. This guy used to be one of the most sought after athletes in the world and is now reduced to starring in a VH1 reality show to pay his bills. Any other reasonable person who had half of what T.O. earned in a single season would have been able to retire comfortably for 2 lifetimes. But this is what happens when you spend lavishly with no realistic means of future income generation. Spencer Pratt, are you listening?
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Why do the dumbest of people find the greatest of enjoyment from commercials with CGI animals?
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People like to talk shit about Americans for not liking soccer. Well fuck soccer. Who wants to see 90 minutes of running back and forth with no end result? As if it wasn't impossibly difficult to score a goal, they have to have an "off sides" rule which makes the game even more pointless. I think they should have an American version of soccer with a goal 20 feet wide. Oh would the Europeans laugh at that concept? Well I'm too busy eating a steak to give a fuck.
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The most unsettling thing in the world to me is coming home after being gone for several hours, walking my dogs, and then realizing that neither of them have to piss.
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If you want your children to fail in life, name them either "Dwayne" or "Keisha."
