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Monday, December 21, 2009

A Hypothetical Conversation With Jaleel White

I tried emailing Jaleel White to see if he'd be willing to do an interview with me for this website. Jaleel declined. So I'm going to post the questions I had intended on asking him and the responses that I imagine he would have provided.

Angry Indian Auntie: What is the most memorable part of your career?
Jaleel White: Well, I would have to say that I've actually done my greatest work since leaving Family Matters. I got my BA from UCLA's School of Theatre, Film, and Television and I've produced and co-written episodes for -

A: Just say Steve Urkel.
J: Yeah...yeah, it was Steve Urkel.

A: How do you feel when people call you Urkel?
J: I honestly don't mind. I think it's fantastic that I still hold a place in so many people's hearts.

A: Is you for real?
Actually, it makes me want to choke a bitch. I fucking hate my life. I can't go to bars, malls. Women laugh at me when I try to talk to them and frat boys are constantly dumping beer on my head and asking "Did I do that?" in a really nasally voice.

A: That must suck. At least you get to live comfortably on the royalties you made from Family Matters.
J: No, no I don't. Carl Winslow's fat ass took all the money. My ignorant ass parents didn't manage my contract properly and left things wide open for that fat fuck and his lawyers to re-negotiate the distribution and syndication rights. I don't get monkey shit from that show.

A: I think the funniest thing to happen to you was that internet hoax where you supposedly killed yourself and left a suicide note which said, "Did I do that?"
J: Fuck you, you saffron cunt.

A: Whatever happened to Judy Winslow, the youngest of the Winslows? It's like she just disappeared.
J: I honestly don't know. The producers never explained why. Carl's fat ass probably just wanted her share of the check. Last time I checked she was doing porn. Some dude who looked like Patrick Ewing with a 12 inch pant snake was feeding it to her proper. Damn...

A: That's a shame.
J: Damn....