Home          About / Contact Info          Kali Ma Shakti De

Friday, January 29, 2010

Where The Fuck Is Haley Joel Osment?

Hey, have you seen where the fuck Haley Joel Osment is? The last time I saw Haley he was trying to act like white trash in the movie Pay It Forward and failing because he has an innate sense of responsibility better than most accountants at H&R Block. Then he got stabbed at the end. I'm sorry if I ruined this movie for you but...actually I'm not sorry for ruining this movie. Why did he get stabbed in the end? That was so pointless and single handedly ruined an otherwise good movie.

But getting back to my point....where the fuck is Haley Joel Osment? It's now 2010, and according to Wikipedia he hasn't done a movie since 2003. And we know Wikipedia is irrefutable because it is run by fat ass nerds who need mirrors to see their own genitals. So why the lull in his career? I have a few theories.

Theory #1: His voice changed. We all know and love him as the precocious young boy who is exceptionally bright and well spoken. And he knows we will all fear and despise him once he hits puberty and turns into the fast food worker from The Simpsons.

Theory #2: He wants to avoid getting too big, too fast. I'm guessing he saw what happened to Corey Feldman, Britney Spears, and Michael Jackson and he made the conscious decision to leave the game right now and not risk growing up to become a heroine addicted, white trash pedophile.

Theory #3: The same drugs they gave to Gary Coleman and Webster to keep them tiny backfired when they were used on Haley and now he looks like some sort of Golem.

Theory #4: He is instead pursuing a career that everyone who goes by their first, middle and last name eventually ends up going into....assassinating presidents.