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Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Carnie Wilson Fails At Losing Weight Because Her First Name Is "Carnie"

Carnie Wilson used to be a singer who was overweight. Then she got stomach surgery and got skinny. Now she's a land beast again.

She now has a new reality show called "Carnie Wilson Unstapled." It claims that it's mostly going to be about her life as a new mom and a businesswoman, but I know what it's going to really be about. It's going to revolve around her reabsorbing her lost mass to once again become the juggernaut that God intended her to be.

I mean, how can she not be huge? Even with Zeus's genetics and a vegan diet, her name is "CARNIE." As in short for "carnivore." Her parents condemned her to a life of obesity and probably diabetes when they physically signed that ridiculous name onto her birth certificate. And that business she owns that I mentioned up there...it's a fucking CAKE COMPANY. This bitch has a lifelong struggle with weight that rivals Oprah's and she goes and uses her singing money to start a goddamn cake company.

In her defense, the best investment advice is to invest in what you know it. And Carnie Knows Cakes. You could blindfold her and she would tell you the difference between a gourmet semi-sweet chocolate cake versus a sweet dark chocolate cake...and then she would devour them both without stopping to take a breath. Carnie Knows Cakes.